Tunga moln

Here I am, almost 2 years on from my first post. Life stops for no one, it seems.

I admit that I’ve been finding things difficult as of late. I’m not sure whether these are just symptoms of entering adulthood (which I apparently did a year ago – who’d’ve thought it?) but I feel bogged down by an almost constant anxiety, this overcast sky of malaise which clears occasionally but never really seems to go away.

When I sit down and think, really think, I know what I want. And what I want isn’t really what I’m doing. In just over 3 months, after a year of being in limbo, I’ll be a student again. A student here, in the UK, at a university doing a course that I’m not even really sure I want to do. But I’m doing it because it’s paid for, because I want the qualification, because I’m scared of wasting an opportunity, and because I can’t think of anything else that frightens me less.

What I really want is to be brave enough to sack this all in. To up and move, to not give a fuck about what everyone else thinks, to have the willpower to just go to Sweden and say “Hej! Jag är här!” – but I don’t have any money and neither J nor I have a job (än). I can romanticize it as much as I like, but right now it would be a foolish decision.

So my plans, for now, are on hold. And like a little speck of light at the end of a long, expansive tunnel, I just have to keep my eyes trained on them. Keep hoping. Keep learning.

And know that, however slow it may be, they are getting closer.

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